Soulless Avenue

:: a new chapter ::

2005-09-10T15:41:00.000+08:00

how much can i say for now i wouldn't know...

a new chapter, a new beginning... it's comforting to know, that once again you're being cared and loved by someone beside you all along...

it has drawn me nearer to all posibilities of being someone i've always wanted to be, drawn me closer to my heart's desire.

it never felt that strong before..

..as if..

...everything has it's own life once again..

..as if..

...it's waiting for me to soar with my wings...

:: blurry thoughts ::

2005-08-25T15:16:00.000+08:00

:*: if only i can see you once more... :*:

2004..

a year that i could nearly kick myself in the butt.

a blurry night where i drove with tears in my eyes.

as though the tears can never stop.

:*: the long blurry journey... :*:

when i thought i could forget about him. forget bout the hurt. it comes back like a flashback.

total blanked.....

*sighs slowly*

when can the pain stop?

:: where are you now ::

2005-08-21T13:55:00.000+08:00

Where Are You Now?
Sometimes I think of you

and wonder where you area

nd if you think of me on lonely nights

or dream about me when there's nothing left to dream

I don't expect you to miss mea

nd I know the phone will never ring

with your voice hanging on the other line

but I have to know

if I'm in your thoughts

or if you forgot about me

like you promised you never would

I can't bear the thought

of what we shared

being nothing than a footnote

in a forgotten chapter of your life

and even though I only think of you

during the loneliest hours of the night

Part of me is still hoping

that you're thinking of me

when I'm busy not thinking of you

So shed not a tear for what we lost

nor heave a sigh for what could have been

Just let me grace your thoughts

when the night hangs long and low

and everything will be right when we awake

in the worlds we've created

in the many years we've been apart

a beautiful poem i got from the net. reminds me of how i feel. i wrote something similiar. just that i was surprised that someone would feel the same. i guess i'm not alone... *smiles* if only he could read this and know how i feel.

a friend was blogging about how would she die or how would she wanted to die, to be cremated and to be remembered. what a long thought. then what would i want?

i want nothing.

if to make him love me back is for me to be not here anymore. i would willingly do it.

if i died tomorrow, would anyone care? other than my parents.. if i died tomorrow, it'll be like a spec of rain drop out of sight. no one will notice.

hmm.. back to negative thoughts at the moment? well, doesnt matter. i'm sure i'll go through this period of time again, again, and again... *sighs*

watched Charlie & THe Chocolate Factory yesterday. Brought me back to my crave for chocolates. Go watch it..! a really amazing, fantastic and wonderful show! oh yeah, not to mention, i saw the preview of Corpse Bride. an animation by Tim Burton.. so exciteeed... can't wait for it to be out..!!!

We both had not been to the cinemas for a long time, well, that was what he said. The last time i was at TimesSquare watching a movie was with Adrian. After the breakup, after 4 months, the both of us are back here again in this place, at the cinema. It felt weird as i sat beside him, not holding hands or whispering to each other. Yes, we're just friends now. And bear with it i have to.

in this world, i feel lonely. there's something missing from the corner of my heart. i still feel lonely even when i'm surrounded by family and friends.

there's an emptiness i've to bear with..

...moment of peace...

2005-08-19T20:15:00.000+08:00

i can finally say, 'i'm on holidays'

damned typography's replacement class today, otherwise, i'll be happily relaxing myself, clearing my thoughts in Penang. *sighs*

Sam and me, remain as friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I feel much comfortable that way. Not even a bit of sadness. what's there to be sad of? No idea. I think i've learnt to not love anyone that much anymore. Once is good enough, the one and only pain i'm still enduring at the moment.

Finished my magazine layout for Typo yesterday. Did something on Goth. Something personal. Something ME. It turned out quite well, surprisingly. The poems i inserted which i got from the net, reminded me deeply of him.

no tears was shed.

just regret.

how much warmer must it get to make me loose my cold heart?

i thought i was happy. i thought i could make it. i thought i was his only love.

i was wrong...

all wrong..

~ numbness ~

2005-08-15T23:54:00.000+08:00

what can i say for now?

it's like history repeating itself again..

suicidal thoughts... but no suicidal note? perhaps a short letter to Adrian..

whatelse?

numb thoughts... stupid, useless, pathetic...me...

*sobz*

hiding in da corner of my world.. of my heart..

~something to ponder~

2005-08-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was thinking about, how can one person be selfish... in what way? in many ways.. for example, in love.. be greedy in love..

selfishness happens when you feel that you and you alone can only own that person. you tend to hold your love one within your grasps, restricting all your love one's movements.. it creates a disgust..

greediness happens when ...i don't know.. perhaps an old wound in the heart that thinks it's better to have more than one, or misinterpreted the sentence 'grasp all the chances you get'.. who knows?

i look myself in the mirror with disgust.

an ugly girl with no self-discipline, no morality in herself anymore. a sense of soulless regret, a perennially ill mental state, depression caught up with her, and now resentment has come to an angle where it could reach her at ease and pull her down to the depths of hell. how long can she reach for safety? where can she turn for a place to lean on?

i look down at my wrists...

a sense of strong temptation.. the blood, the adreanaline.. the smell of warm water lurking in the bathroom... the sight of no one being there to help.. the sense of that brisk cut that will go through the wrist.. not taking life, but just a pure bit of hurt.. a scar. to remind of the past. to remind of the pain. to feel the pain..

no one's here to share.. even though everyone will say, 'i'll b here for you'

it's bullshit

fucking full of bull shit...

perhaps there's no one to trust

no one to lean on...

it's a lie....

life's a lie...

* painstaking memoir *

2005-08-12T18:27:00.000+08:00

another saturday..without Adrian.

it has been long enough, but why? it tends to prick the scar. it hurts, but no tears.

if only i could have captured his heart.. captured his whole..

what am i?

i'm no selfish fool..

but what am i?

i am a body with no soul...

useless words...

2005-08-10T16:35:00.000+08:00

it doesnt matter anymore

it seems to have been lost from it's space

a thought so wide, it just grew inches away from me

neither could i feel it or touch it anymore

seems so far away...

....it's just complicated...

2005-08-10T15:06:00.000+08:00

somehow or rather... i've found it hard to blog anymore. not sure why
perhaps my mind is not focusing on what i'm really thinking, or perhaps the haze is playing with my eyes and head. bullz!

met up with Sam for lunch today.

what can i say? out of rhythm already. he said something about problems arising between us, even when we just started out for less than a week.
hmm.. i realised it too. what could be the problem? all i know is, it's about me, myself and I.
the cause of these problems are really from me.

what is it about then?

he's been telling me to let my mum know of his existence as my boyfriend. but i still doubt the decision to tell her, firstly, because i've just came out from a bad relationship. secondly, my mum does not really approve of whoever i choose to be with, even though it's my right and my concsious to choose, i still know very well that the idea of me choosing my own boyfriend is hard for my mum to accept. perhaps she's still stuck in those hierarchy stuff about status and being too materialistic herself. thirdly, i'm the sort of person who would be cautious before i could step fully into a relationship. i'm sorry, but yes, i'm this kind of person. i really don't like to be hurt anymore. i want it to be a steady kind of relationship before i could proceed to telling this matter to my parents.

*sighs*

somewhat hard for me to determine. all i can do, is to follow my heart.

the next is about my appearance and my attitude. i am what i am and i'm happy with how i am now and feeling totally comfortable about it. why should i be totally on the feminine side when i could still have that kind of boyish side? to some, i can be viewed as some weird creature. to some, i can be unique. but i don't care. all i want to be is someone whom i'm feeling happy.

it's hard to tell him these things, even if i did and dared tell him face to face, would he still understand? i know that he'll be having second thoughts about the both of us. maybe it's good to face it earlier rather than realising the problem later in this relationship.

i really suck as being someone's girlfriend. no matter how much i'm refraining myself from being with my guy friends, it's still a problem.

i'm so so lost....